to have & to hold

Big news folks. Really big news. REALLY, HAPPY, WONDERFUL, JOYOUS, GROWN-UP, PRAISE-THE-LORD, kind of big news.

Jordan asked me to marry him.  And I said yes - no surprise there!

It was the sweetest of evenings.  Just perfect for who we are as individuals and who we are together.  So, I'll spell it out for you.

I had been sick the whole week.  Sick as a dog.  Friday morning (the day of the proposal) rolled around, and I had not improved.  Not even a little.  I was bummed that I might have to ask Jordan to postpone the date he had planned for us that evening, but was distracted because my head felt fuzzy and I thought I might have a temperature.

Jordan called to check on me that morning, and I'm relatively certain the sound of my voice could have sent him into cardiac arrest.  But he played it cool, telling me to rest and that maybe I would still feel up to dinner later - gently persuading me to keep our plans.  I thought that was odd, but quickly talked myself out of assuming that anything was up.

After nap number 2, I started to pep up a bit!  And Jordan says that when I called him to tell him I still wanted to go to dinner, he nearly drove off the road celebrating.

So, he came to my apartment to pick me up and we walked to Market Square, like we so often do.  We were going to Cafe 4, my favorite restaurant and where we had our first date.  I was talking incessantly about a delicious grilled cheese sandwich when he said, "Let's walk this way" and lead me to the stone path between the trees that stand in the entrance to Market Square.  He turned around and said, "Jen, I need to talk to you about something."  And my heart skipped a beat. This is happening.  We're about to do this.  For real.  Holy cow.


He told me that he loved me so dearly and that he wanted us to be a family.  It all happened so fast that most of the conversation is still a blur.  But I'll never forget the look on his face when he said, "So, I've got a question I need to ask you..." and got down on one knee.

YES. A MILLION TIMES YES. GLORY GLORY. HALLELUJAH.

He celebrated and I was so surprised to hear yells from his sisters, who had been sneakily taking pictures of us.  They came along with their partners in crime (Abbey's boyfriend and Amy's roommate) with a sign they had made for us and took all kinds of pictures.

After they left, we went into Cafe 4 to have our dinner together.  Sitting on our table was a letter C decoration and the sweetest note from my new fiancé - which is a word we're still getting used to!  That hour that we spent together over my mac n cheese and his chicken and waffles is one of the sweetest times we have shared.  It was just us, like the first date, but so much more now.  Jordan blessed the food and prayed for our marriage and asked God to be with us in this new stage of life.  He told me the stories of telling his parents and sisters his plans, going to Johnson City to meet with my family, picking my ring, and pulling to all together.  I wouldn't change that time together for the world.

After dinner, we called my family, who claimed to be driving to the Topper football game, and then walked through Market Square to find Amy a birthday present.  (P.S. How awesome is Amy Cross for sharing her birthday with us?  I am so grateful for her generous spirit and gentle heart.)  As we were driving to the Cross residence to celebrate Amy's birthday, Jordan said, "I've got one more surprise for you."  And as we crested the hill to his house, I saw all of the cars.  The cars of our families and dear friends who drove from all over to be there, waiting to celebrate with us.

OH. WHAT. JOY.

Our parents and siblings and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends that are more like family were there.  And we had a BBQ feast (Well, they did.  We had just eaten at Cafe 4, remember?)  And we laughed and talked and shed a few tears of joy.  We were abundantly blessed and celebrated and the whole night was just a dream.  A night that was set aside for us, by the man that I'm going to call my husband in a matter of months.

The thing about it all is that it sets a new season in motion.  A season when we start to plan our life together.  A season where people share with us their advice and wisdom.  A season where we make plans as one family rather than two individuals.  A season of preparation, wonder, joy, and growth.

I am so grateful that our love story is built on a foundation of friendship and is grounded in Christ.  It is not perfect, certainly not.  But the love and trust that we have built is strong.  I know that Jordan's proposal is the promise of a man who is resolved and faithful.  And my response is the promise to be the same, resolved and faithful, for always.  To love and support one another.  To build a life together.  To point each other to Jesus.  To have each other's backs and to hold each other's hands.  To become one.  To have and to hold.  Amen.

thanks & giving

On November 1, I made the decision to become more thankful.  To train myself to have a heart of gratitude.  To count, and I mean really count, my blessings.

So, I started two new traditions.  One for Jordan and I to share and one that was for my heart.

The first is a thankful tree.  I was inspired by Jones Design Company, by far my favorite blogger to follow, and it has been such a fun time to share this season with Jordan.  We write down the things that we are grateful for and hang them on on the "tree" that sits in my entryway.  It is such a joy when I see a new tag hanging that I didn't see him write.  And it is wonderful to be able to be thankful for things together. P.S. Apparently the courtyard behind my building has some killer twigs.

The second is a thankful list.  I got a small journal and each day is a new entry for the list.  I really enjoy journaling, but, historically, I have had some time issues with follow through.  This, however, has been a different story.  Rather than becoming a chore, this little notebook has changed the way I look at my days.  It took a little while to get the hang of it, but in less than a week, I began seeing my whole world differently.  As if through a lens of thankfulness.

Yesterday, I found the quote, "Let our lives be full of both thanks and giving."  Thanks & giving. And it made me realize, it isn't enough to be thankful - although that is crucial.  Gratitude must inspire action.  I'm not quite sure what mine will be yet.  But I can say this, even on the worst of days,  I am blessed far beyond I deserve.

breath

In youth band this year, we've talked a lot about the breath of God.  How the Lord's breath was present during creation.  How God spoke the world into being.  How God breathed life into Adam and Eve.  How God sent spoken messages through an angel to Mary and Joseph and the shepherds and the wise men.  How God's breath sustains each of us today.

And we've talked about worship being an opportunity to give God's breath back to him, as an offering.  [I first heard this concept when listening to Louie Giglio speak at a conference and it really struck a chord in my heart.]  That when we sing and play and worship, it is a blessing to our Father. "Bless the Lord, O my soul." - Psalm 103:1

We are fervently preparing for our fall retreat.  The youth band will be leading worship for our group with 7 different sets over the course of the weekend.  Over 30 songs.  DANG.  Makes my heart flutter I'm so proud.  And as pleased as I am with their work ethic and focus and preparation, I am most proud of their hearts.  The way they continue to be so mindful of how they want to lead.  So aware of their distinct role in this youth department.  So conscious of the way the Lord is calling them to use their talents.

Last night, at the end of rehearsal, we talked, discussing how we want to prepare over the next 8 days.  And we talked about the breath of God.  It dawned on me in that moment - it would be cold enough at SLA [Spiritual Life Advance.  The name of our fall retreat.] to see our breath.  A visible reminder of our job - to give God's breath back to him.  We talked about it and agreed that it would help us remain focused during the weekend.  We prayed and went home.

And then, this morning came.  The first really cold morning of the fall.  And I walked outside, bundled in a scarf, and breathed.  And I saw it.  My breath.  God's breath living in me.  And I couldn't help but grin.  Because, without anything spectacular happening, God spoke.  Not through a burning bush or a dove with an olive branch or skywriting.  Through a breath.  Reminding me that today is an offering.  Always an offering.  All it took was a breath.

Just a breath.

Bless the Lord, O my soul.

restless

There are days when my spirit feels restless.  When I have a strong desire to travel or paint or create or dance or sing or cut my hair off or something. Just something.  Maybe it's a quarter life crisis.   Maybe it's because a jackhammer woke me up a 6:30 this morning.  I don't know.

But what I've learned is that on days like these, I'm probably being told to just be still.  That a yearning that I can't quite put my finger on is a yearning for Jesus.  A yearning for deep relationship with the redeemer of my heart.

Today, I curled up under my favorite family quilt and sipped some chai tea and my puppy snuggled by my side.  And I felt my soul settle.  This has been a morning of sweet little reminders. Reminders that life gets fuzzy and messy.  Reminders that a simple life can be a sweet life.  Reminders that I don't have to have it all figured out.  Reminders that put my restless heart at ease.

I'm so grateful for mornings when I'm told I need to just slow down.

a letter for girls

Dear, sweet girl,

As I write you this letter, I'm sitting at my desk with a vase of sunflowers and a candle that smells like fall.  And I'm thinking of you. Praying for you.  Because life is hard as a middle or high schooler.  There is a lot of pressure.  So much comparison.  Crushing expectations.  And there isn't much time to figure out who you are.

I can tell you one thing.  You are loved.  You are so dearly loved.  Even on days when it doesn't seem that way - it is true.  You were created for a purpose, in the beautiful image of your Father, and that is not something we should take for granted.  But we all know that we do.

This purpose I'm talking about can sound daunting.  And you may not know yet what you will become.  But there is purpose in today.  And that purpose is set aside for you.  Just for you, dear one.  And it doesn't matter what it is that you love to do...that desire was given to you for a reason.  You may not see it, but others do.

If you love to read, read books of worth.  Choose stories of heroines that are strong and bold.  Pick books that make you think and challenge your spirit.  And pay attention in your English classes - because your teachers are wiser than you give them credit.  

If you love to cheer, cheer loudly!  And make sure your squad only yells "S-C-O-R-E" when your team actually has the ball.  And when the student section doesn't' cheer along, try not to take it personally.  You just keep doing your thing.

If you love to perform, don't hold back.  The stage is full of lessons to learn - jump in feet first.  When you a learning about a character, let it teach you about other people.  See the world the way you see the theatre.  And ALWAYS pack a snack during tech week.

If you love to play sports, run fast and jump high and work hard.  Because you are talented.  We both know you are.  But talent needs hard work to make something of it.  Push yourself in practice and it'll show up in a game.

If you love to dance, dance fiercely!  And love every minute, because one day, you'll miss the studio.  Although you may not put on a leotard and tights anymore, you do have wedding season to look forward to - and you'll KILL IT on the dance floor.  Oh, and when you do leave dancing behind, don't quit stretching.  You'll lose your splits faster than you can imagine.  Trust me.  

If you love animals, love them well.  They need you!  Find a farm that welcomes you in just as you are.  And remember, there are times when puppies and horses are the best kind of friends.  And that is more than ok.

If you love learning, never stop.  Push yourself in school.  Ask hard questions.  And be patient with those around you who might not feel the same way.  As a matter of fact, help that kid that never seems to figure the homework out.  Life is tough for them too, you know.

If you love fashion, dress well.  Be yourself and be modest.  This doesn't mean you have to wear a burlap sack, but you and I both know what is and isn't ok.  Make the choice for yourself - I promise you'll be glad you did.

If you love music, make a joyful noise!  Sing to the top of your lungs!  Play to your heart's content!  And practice.  Play your scales and sing your warm-ups.  And remember, learning classically will give you all the tools you need.  But it's still ok to sing along to the radio.

If you love being involved, join that club!  Run for SGA, help organize an event, work for the yearbook!  Test the waters in all kinds of different things, and see where your heart really lies.  But don't get so busy that you forget to be still.  Because filling a schedule is easy.  Prioritizing takes a little more work.

If you're a dreamer, dream big.

If you're scared, it's ok.

If you don't know what on earth you're doing, you'll figure it out.

If you feel lost, don't.  You've already been found.

Because you see, sweet girl, you are in the palm of our Creator's hand.  The One who breathed life into this world did the same thing for you.  He loves you.  He desires a relationship with you.  He sees your worth.  Don't you?  Oh, I know you don't.  But it is there.  Under the insecurity or the make-up or the good grades or the bad ones, there is a beautiful, smart, exciting human.  And I just love her.  She's the best there is.

I'll leave you with this: Don't grow up too fast.  Listen to your parents.  Laugh with your friends.  Challenge yourself.  Seek out a mentor.  Eat ice cream.  Go to high school football games - even if you don't think it's your thing, give it a try, just once, for me.  When you start to drive, BE SAFE.  Forgive faster than you want to.  Learn from your mistakes.  Cut yourself some slack.  Love the Lord.  Trust in Him.  For His provision is good and His love endures.

Things are tough, but you'll get through them.  I believe in you.  And remember that part I said a while back? The part about you being so dearly loved?  Please, please believe it.  Because it is true.

All my love,

Jenny

bouquets of sharpened pencils

[Spoiler Alert: This is gonna get mushy.]

Sometimes, life surprises you.  And it surprised me. With Jordan Cross.  We had been the best of friends for the majority of undergrad.  Wedding season rolled around last summer, both of us in need of dates and dance partners.  After a first date a Cafe 4 (my favorite restaurant), we both knew this thing was different.  And I can confidently say that each day is sweeter than the one before.  That isn't to say that each day is filled to brim with happiness and that we float around in some sort of euphoric daze.  Quite the contrary - life is sweet because I have a constant buddy for when things get rough.  And they do.  And consistent does not even scratch the service at who Jordan is.

On my birthday last year, the gift Jordan gave me was full of thoughtful little things.  Things that I truly loved but would have never spent on myself.  Things that he took the time and energy to remember, seek out, and surprise me with.  In the gift, he had included a fresh package of yellow, No. 2, Dixon Ticonderoga pencils (THE BEST traditional pencils on the market as far as I'm concerned).  He handed them to me and said, "Your bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.  It's almost fall - I thought you needed some."  And I just knew.  This kid was the real deal.

A bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.  1. You've Got Mail reference.  2. School supplies.  3.  Preparation for fall.  I mean, it doesn't get much better than that in my book.

I was having a conversation yesterday where the woman said, "Ya know, the small stuff really does matter in the long run."  And I have to agree with her.  Because choosing to be kind may not win us a Nobel Peace Prize, but it impacts the every day lives of those around.  Because the small stuff adds up.  Our lives are jam-packed with little moments - and when I think about the things in my life that really mean something, it's the small stuff.

I wish that I could give the whole world a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.  But for now, I will pay attention to the small things, try my best to love the people that are placed right in front of me at any given moment.  And say little prayers of thanks for the man that Jordan Cross is and continues to become and for falling hard for him all of those many days ago.

craving creativity

I don't know if it's that fall is just around the corner, that I'm finally getting settled in my new home, or that I just wanted to update things around here, but I felt like Jenny D from TN needed a bit of a facelift.  I'm pumped about how it looks so far.  Thanks for stopping by, and way to go on making it through this long Tuesday!